IG And Me

Imagine having social anxiety when not among other people. When alone, in your bedroom under the covers late at night when you should be sleeping and instead are doing the one new thing you know will cause mental distress. Surfing Instagram.

I didn’t know that surfing Instagram was a thing. I only have a few “followers” and only follow a few, and barely ever post anything. But thanks to the ingenious ‘search’ button, you can scroll and scroll forever and never come up for air.

There’s a beloved children’s book called “Messes of Dresses” about a girl named Gittel who lives in a tree. She owns two dresses- the one that she wears and a spare in case she gets the first one dirty. She is happy and content. Then, one day her friend Sara Saks from Fifth Avenue comes for a visit, bringing with her many beautiful colorful dresses for Gittel to try on. And suddenly, she finds herself surrounded by so much excess that she cannot even see her space, everything is covered and surrounded by dresses. Until finally she learns the lesson taught in Pirkei Avot (Ethics of Our Fathers) “Who is rich? One who is satisfied with their lot.”

Are we happy by virtue of innocence and ignorance? If we never go to clothing stores, will we not know that there are items out there that exceed our budget and simply cannot be had, or more so are not needed? Is it better to live with blinders and not see what you can’t have, or see- and be happy with you have anyway?

While surfing Instagram last night I came across a picture of a girl I once knew in elementary school. We started out pretty much the same, religious wise- growing up in the same system, going to the same schools, dressing the same. In Jewish Orthodox circles this means for females, covering elbows and knees, wearing only skirts- no pants or leggings without covering up- wearing modest looking clothing. And here this girl, whom I haven’t seen in years but is recognizable to me, has posted pictures of herself in a bikini, wearing pants and short sleeves, or no sleeves, while also posting about cooking for the Jewish New Year known as Rosh Hashana.

To me, that presents a dichotomy. Observing parts of the religion, but not all. But what strikes me as fascinating is that she appears so happy. So carefree, confident. She is living a life she chose, different than the way she was brought up, without any guilt.

It causes me confusion. A bit of jealousy. A touch of anger. A whole lot of judgement.

Because I want that to be me. Not the bare arms and pants clad legs, not necessarily. But the smile. The ease. The being comfortable in your own skin. Choosing your life, writing your own story instead of having it written for you.

So why is it so hard for me to do that for myself?

My present life is half-lived. I’m in hibernation. Partly because I’ve come to a point where I see no clear way forward, and partly because the way forward may be difficult to navigate.

And I keep asking myself, what is it that these people have- these people being the ones on Instagram in their glam dresses with their perfect looking husbands and beautifully dressed children, the “Mommy Bloggers” and self-proclaimed entrepreneurs, authors, photographers, foodies, “Influencers” (I put that in quotes to show my scorn for the term), what do they have that make them tick, that causes them success and publicity or even contentment and happiness that I don’t have?

The answer I’ve come up with is- nothing. Besides for the fact that I don’t know a lot of these people, there is no discernible difference (other than, perhaps a better camera than I have), between them and I, besides for the fact that they are out there, doing and being and having, while I sit at home thinking and talking and complaining.

So I have no reason to feel the way I do, and I should probably take my therapist’s advice and get off social media altogether.

But somehow I’m still here, and I’m still trying to find the answer to the question of, “What’s my purpose?” What am I meant to do? What was I created for?

I think many people use social media for different things: some people want to stay connected, some want to share their stories, some want to feel better than other people.

But whatever the case, the lesson I’m choosing to take from this is: don’t look out there to see what it is you are missing, or think you need in order to survive. Finding out you are lacking- and believe me if you take everything you see on social media personally, you are lacking in every area of your life- will only hurt you. It won’t help you grow. It will turn you into an envious jealous green judgmental little monster, one who lacks anything to give back to society.

Instead, focus on what you have. What you have that you can share, what you have that you actually need, what you have that you can enjoy, what you have that keeps you alive.

Then turn off your phone and shut the light and maybe stay off Instagram for awhile.