I Hate Authority

I started writing a post about how much I hate authority and how it will impact my new job, but since I work for the government now and they’re always watching, plus we were actually warned to be careful what we post online, I thought twice about it.

Really it’s not such a problem anymore but when I first started this job (not that long ago), I was trained in by someone and when I approached my supervisor with a question that to me was an obvious error, she firstly interrupted me and didn’t let me finish the question, and second her answer was basically, who cares if there’s an error, this is how we do it.

I don’t know why but that really got to me, she thought I was “talking back” to her and I was just trying to explain myself and feeling like I wasn’t being heard.

The morning after that incident I did not want to go to work. I literally could not make myself move. I saw the clock ticking, I knew if I left now I’ll make it, or I’ll be late, but I couldn’t fathom going to work and having to deal with someone who gets to tell me what to do. So I called in sick, even though I just started there and I didn’t have any sick days to use.

But I felt an emotional sickness qualified. So I went back to bed and later spent the day having lunch with my brother and playing with my nieces and nephews.

It’s hard to explain why I hate authority so much. Mostly it’s because I have ideas that are different than others, and I have a hard time respecting someone who’s in charge especially if they don’t seem to know what they are doing, if I feel like I’m smarter than them or if I just don’t agree with them.

I left many jobs because I couldn’t get along with the “boss”. But being my own boss wasn’t an option if I wanted to make any money.

But then I came to a point where I said, my supervisor doesn’t control me, maybe I have to listen to her at work but I don’t have to let it bother me so much. I found myself saying instead, that G-d is in charge. Kind of like, I don’t have to listen to you because there’s someone higher than you that I listen to. Which is funny because many times I challenge G-d’s authority too, until it is beneficial for me.

Then I realized that it’s kind of nice not having to make decisions. I don’t take responsibility for what I do because someone else is calling the shots. Sometimes it sucks but sometimes I can just sit back and let go.

It’s not easy, but reminding myself that I’m only one small part, that maybe someone else does know better in certain areas, that at the end of the day I go home and leave it all behind, helps me focus more on my work and less on the person telling me what to do.